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Tuesday, February 8, 2011

poetry, stuff i am not sure what to call so i'll call it

i used to think courage was something i needed in order to risk death.
now i think courage is something i need in order to truly live.

these poems are directions.
nothing else can tell me where i've been, where i am, and where i still must go.

the only guarantee is everything is uncertain.

do i want happiness?
yet there are things in life,
a sad movie,
a poignant song,
a photograph of something all alone,
that bring what i also need.


why is it so hard to see through the layers i've let build up around myself?
and why do i keep mistaking the armor of others for anything other than armor?

too often i let myself feel disconnected from the those on the street, at work, in traffic, at the store.
i tell myself they are selfish, compassionless, gruff--and, of course, wrong.
and i, logically, must be the opposite.
i must be altrusitc, loving, gentle.
i must be right.

where do i create such fiction?

i must remember that we all need, every single one of us, the same nourishment.
we need love in our hearts. we need music in the soul.
we need to know that we belong, that life is a gift of which we are worthy.

when i remember that all humans depend upon the same core needs,
the same essential light, i see through your armor because i've taken off mine.

what keeps me from sharing the best part of who i am?
perhaps i no longer trust the power of my own heart.
a pity.
its strength is limitless.

i now begin to join anyone who has ever decided to wage peace.

strange, though, how it feels like i am stepping off a cliff.

if only somebody else could take the first step for me.
if only there were someone here to help.
i am so close to the edge, i'd only need to be touched.

i close my eyes. the mind stills. there is more i must let go.
only then will i float on this shy breeze.

there is a kindness in me i continue to protect.
if i let it move freely,
it won't know the rules and someone will step on its dance.
any wonder i no longer hear music.

the mask never fit right.
perhaps it was just too small for the job.

or maybe the mask was too big.

the pain was nothing at first.
but it grew more and more each day.
it was fighting to fill the mask.

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