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Saturday, January 21, 2012

writing, not about

okay, so here is what i don't get. i'm at a cafe, drinking coffee (shocker, i know!), checking email every two seconds, googling random MTV VJs from the 80s, etc...whatever...and all around me people are doing the same thing—except with one difference: on their table is like a half-eaten muffin or bagel resting undisturbed on a plate. i have a plate on my table, too, but i've long since wolfed down my food in a sort of first-meal-after-being-lost-in-the-desert kind of flurry (even though my last meal wasn't but an hour ago). i mean, how does a person order a peanut-butter brownie and just sort of pick at it...just sort of take a few bites before taking one of those slow, knowing sips of coffee while gazing peacefully into their book....while that delicious goddamn brownie just sits there, barely tasted, just waiting to be scarfed down in a self-loathing fit of this-is-so-fucking-good-i-can't-even-be-bothered-to-chew?

i mean, there is this girl who is always at the cafe i go to and she will literally sit there for like two hours, periodically nibbling at her oversized white chocolate macadamia nut cookie...ignoring it for 10 minutes here, forty minutes there. and when she's ready to leave, she'll simply reapply the saran wrap to it and place the cookie in her purse. did i mention this girl is 17! i mean, fuck me! a teenager has more self-discipline than i do? really? i mean, it's a bona fide miracle if i can simply make it from the cafe's counter to my table with at least one bite left of whatever piece of sugar-crack i just ordered. and, really, is there anything more pathetic than being that guy? the dude who walks to his table...not 15 seconds after ordering...a coffee in one hand, empty plate in the other...his face blanching from pink to red to fuck-head as tries to choke down the cinnamon roll he just inhaled. his eyes watering. his cheeks stretched out like a goddamn chipmunk's.

oh, and you should see me on the days i'm not on a diet.


TXO said...

oh you crack me up!! had to laugh out loud! thank you for writing this and putting it "out here'!

billieball said...

ha! thanks TXO!